can I call you Ambo for short? Good.
Now look here, when we booked tickets to Florida for travel in June we did so in good faith and are quite cross about a couple of things. Now you seem like a reasonable chap in the pictures on the website and I am sure it’s not your fault about this frightful Brexit omnishambles and all, but could you at least have a word with the Federal Reserve about the exchange rate. America is meant to be a cheap destination and it just isn’t at £1 buying $1.27. This is unacceptable: how am I going to buy branded gaudy golf clothing at discount prices when it’s not at discount prices? How?
My first complaint is that it rained a lot for the first few days of our tour in the afternoons. Now my son is a big fan of thunderstorms, but I had left the brolly at home because hell-oh: summer holiday. If I want rain I’ll go to Wales. All the brochures show sunkissed beaches, not a bally deluge. All the car number-plates – that are not the right size and shape by the way – say “Sunshine State” on them. Quite simply it shouldn’t rain on summer hols. My shoes got wet and we have wasted money on a convertible.
One of your advisors on the phone was impertinent in tone, tenor and tack. But it took the biscuit when they pointed out that this is the “wet season”. How ridiculous. It’s summer and that’s that.
My second complaint is about biting insects.
The Everglades is billed as a PARK. I ask you Ambo, do you get eaten alive at a park? No, no you don’t. You eat ice-creams and sit by the band-stand like a sensible person. And there weren’t any of those either. On our fifteen mile bicycle route there were no park benches, no concession stands, only one loo and lots of buzzy bugs.
It is now the next day and I am covered in insect bites. I am all itchy and cross, I look foolish and all blotchy. It is no laughing matter.
I know my rights and demand you mobilise the Consular Crisis Team to come here and make it all better. But not right away as we are going to Universal Studios tomorrow. About tea time will be fine.
Oh and that’s another thing. Tell them to bring proper tea because I’ve asked for it twice now and it’s been served COLD. They think I’m an idiot for pointing this out. Cold!
Love to Mrs Ambo by the way.
Ian & Mog”