Where are my keys?

It strikes me – thanks, self-awareness – that I might be having senior moments. Apologies to those of a sensitive nature: perhaps folk could enlighten me as to the correct term these days for being a dumbass?

Of course, the disappearance of a set of keys is a frequent, fleeting affair:

“Where are my keys?”

[Rummaging noises.]

“Found them.”

[Carries on with day.]

On this occasion they are remaining stubbornly absent. So much so that I have retraced steps and whatnot. Having turned the house upside down and drawn a breadcrumb following blank, the next move is to ask in nearby facilities who might receive hand-ins of this nature. Favourite caff? Nope. Supermarket? Likewise. FaceBook Noticeboard? Nada. Then the more offline world.

[Cut to scene at the library. Set is charming rural English small-town fayre, with staff straight from central casting.]

[To librarian] “Hello, do you nice people have any keys that the public might hand in?”

“We don’t do lost property.”


“Except large sums of money, valuable single items…

… and firearms.”



“Get many of them do you?”

“Never received one. Although someone put a knife in our book-return letterbox during an amnesty once.

The police station is open on Wednesday morning, you could try them.”

Blinking, slightly boggled I emerge from the illegal deadly weapon depository and realise it is indeed a Wednesday morning.

[Thin Blue Line set, bulletproof glass partition, WPC seated.]

“Good morning officer.”


“I don’t suppose you have any keys handed in?”

“We don’t do lost property.”


“Let me have a look.”

[Disappears backstage with loud rummaging sounds, looking for the lost property they don’t deal with.]


You could try Waitrose, they are very good with lost property.”

“Thanks. Bye.”


Back to square one.

Key Learnings:

  • Nice customer experience at the cop shop on a Wednesday morning in Marlborough if you’re passing.
  • Waitrose are the new (4th? 5th? Xth) emergency service.
  • Any hot items/laundered cash/dirty hand cannons? You know where to go.
  • Key [ahem] learning? Keep an eye on your darned keys Beer!

PS: You haven’t seen my keys perchance?

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One thought on “Where are my keys?

  1. Pingback: Keys? Found them. In a tent in Wales. | aroundtheworldin84days

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