Prologue: If you are reading this, then thank Gawd there have been some survivors.
We have been trapped, nay, besieged by the invisible scourge in our warm and cosy house with adequate food and drink now for several hours. According to all media outlets Donald Trump has shut down America putting all the airlines out of business, Europe is in chaos (or it should be), the owners of the stock markets are making a fortune by charging per trade, PM Johnson may be putting his dog up for adoption, Italy has snapped off the continent and is adrift in the Med’.
In other words, it’s bad. Real bad.
By which I mean – obvs – we don’t know anyone who is ill. Annnd no, we don’t know anyone who knows anyone who’s ill either. There was a report of someone in a town somewhere in this county, or it could be another county, who knew someone who got ill but they’re better now. Or dead.
It’s not terribly clear.
07.00 Doom. Today on Radio 4 is never a light way to awaken but Jeez-Loooouise it’s not looking good.
07.01 It’s a PANDEMIC! I KNEW IT. A PAN-BLOODY-DEMIC.
07.29 Put bins out. Birds were singing. Out of desperation? What is it they know that we don’t?
08.44 Looked up definition of pandemic.
10.41 Currently too frightened to go outdoors. Sure the sky looks blue, but it might fall in at any moment. No one on the telly/radio has said that it will, but their tone of voice… the coverage given to disease… it can only be a matter of time before the actual sky actually caves in.
And I want to be safe indoors when it does.
12.07 Counted the toilet rolls.
12.08 Recounted. Then did man maths estimating how long our 8 rolls (quilted) will last. It’s not looking good. (BTW: the girls use way more sheets than the boys. It’s leading to tension.)
12.11 Recounted. Situation nominal. Fretted.
13.02 HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS?!!? Jaysus wept: the (so called) expert they had on refused to commit to micro-specifics in fields which are adjacent to his speciality. That is terrible. Why can’t he make accurate predictions based on incomplete information, pure speculation, what-ifs and media hype? What is he hiding? Why are they – the shadowy cabal – withholding information from us? When will the schools close? When will they reopen?
13.06 Made a cup of tea. I tried not to notice that we are running dangerously low on Manchengo and elderflower cordial. God help us all.
13.10 Made rash decisions about the future based on my biased impression of what the actual personal risks are. Heightened sense of panic. Irrational thought coming to the fore. Retrenching into a binary viewpoint. Not with me? Then you are against me. Distrust of funny looking people feels good, makes sense. Believing what is said to me via Social Media, clicking on viral memes and sharing because they support my new belief structures. Have stopped fact checking because, y’know, what’s the point?
Oh, wait. No. No, that was Brexit.
13.11 Panic anyway. Why? Well it just seemed like the right thing to do.
13.13 Ugly cried into a “Keep Calm & Carry On” tea towel. Didn’t find it in the least bit ironic.
13.22 Why can’t Boris come on the telly and quote Churchill? WHhhhhhyy?
13.24 Popped on a spot of Netflix
18.57 Paused Season 2, Episode 5 because I was busting for a wazz. Counted toilet rolls. Did we have 7 or 8 earlier?
19.43 Cheeky Fish Finger sandwich for tea!
20.00 Went to the pub. Had drinks with fellow locals in an enclosed space. Fred told us all about his lush family skiing holiday to Italy but asked us not to tell the school as he doesn’t want the little ‘un to be turned away. Brian’s Asian cruise didn’t seem like much fun neither. Had complimentary crisps from a communal bowl. Told everyone I was already self-isolated. Walked home.
22.30 Nigel Farage not on the Newsnight pundit gallery. Some “experts” instead. Switched off in disgust.
22.58 Ordered toilet roll via Amazon Prime sat on the bog! At least you can rely on them. Cusheen Quilted Luxury Lavender Scented 3 Ply Toilet Tissue Paper Rolls – 60 Rolls for £24.99. Result! Didn’t bother recounting current stock.
23.01 Lights out. Just about made it. But then, what if tomorrow never comes? It can only be a matter of time before something bad happens.
I blame that Jeremy Corbyn.