Croydon: shining jewel of the south

sarcasm

ˈsɑːkaz(ə)m/

noun

1. the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

   “she didn’t like the note of sarcasm in his voice”

   synonyms:

   derision, mockery, ridicule, satire, irony, scorn, sneering, scoffing, gibing, taunting;

Mother would say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.

Today I will go against her wishes as I need to get a couple of things off my chest. It may be the properly hot weather that everyone else appears to be enjoying while I toil indoors. It may be the 50 mile cross country journey that took over TWO HOURS between seaside disappointment Rustington – what a visual name eh? – and here in shining Croydon. The way that local drivers mercilessly cut you up/force their way in with their disregard for the highway code/safety/laws of physics a la Death Race 2016. It might have been the zero parking spaces proferred at the hotel. It might have been the impossibly complex route to drive to the rip-off-Britain bad boys NCP that I deposited my car in. The nagging thought that I may never be reunited with my wheels as the lot looks decidedly dodgy. Or maybe the roadworks that meant that the pedestrian route back to the hotel was blocked, unsigned, unclear, tortuous, hot, with a muggers paradise smelly underpass addition. Maybe because the control freakery client has dictated where I stay and seen to it that I eat off a “meal deal” menu or risk the end of civilisation. (That was the vibe any how.)

No.

The main thing that makes m’blood boil on this humid evening is the sticker on the window of my cell: This window is locked shut.

With not so much as a bye nor leave the hosts have decided I am to be barred from sniffing anything of the outdoors. I accept there will be little of positive fragrance to inhale, but can’t that be my choice? Can’t it?

Perhaps the dreariness has caused prior residents to make bids for freedom/eternity out of said window and the insurance underwriters decreed it welded shut?

As you may see from my fuzzy photo, there is no commendable view to speak of. (Although are those… wait, yes, yes… NO! Are they parking spaces!? Gaaaaaaaaaaagh.)

This has been my 2nd mission to Croydon in as many weeks and I am yet to find a redeeming feature. The hotel rooms expensive, the parking both laughable and wallet melting, the traffic beyond deplorable.

I would never come here by choice.

Does anyone?

Better go, the screws will be doing their rounds before lights out.